Category Archives: Uncategorized

Winter and Christmas

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This week was Christmas.  It was also a huge winter storm, which led to a few gems.

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I decided to keep Liz home from daycare on Thursday, since there’s no way my little front wheel drive Kia Rio was going anywhere.  That plan worked well…until about noon, when I realized that I had no coffee and my brain was trying to pound its way out of my head and go to Starbucks.  I turned on the news to check road conditions, decided to try to dig out and acquire coffee, and got us dressed.

It took nearly an hour of digging to get the car out of the on-street parking space.  I was  NOT happy.  I hate snow.  I hate cold.  Liz had a blast, though.  She was throwing armloads of snow, making snow angels, wiping my car with the snowbrush, and telling me to be happy because the snow is so pretty.

Finally, after three attempts and all that digging, we got out!  We were so happy!  Liz was so proud of our good teamwork!  But what really got me was her in-depth understanding of TV news.  After we’d gotten done congratulating ourselves, Liz asked, “How do we call the news and make a news report that we had trouble getting our car out?  I bet they need to put that on TV.”

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We went to my aunt’s house to put up her Christmas decorations.  Aunt doesn’t decorate, since she has arthritis…but she loves having a decorated house, so we help her out.

Liz loves decorating.  She actually volunteered to skip dessert so she could continue decorating Aunt’s house (an idea which Aunt vetoed, because she had run out of decorations).  Aunt then told her that some people decorate for a living.  Once I told her that the best and most famous decorators end up on TV, she was sold.  “MOM!  I could decorate my room!  And then I could decorate the downstairs at the townhouse, and decorate the back yard so it’s a garden, and I could even decorate the bafroom!”

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It was the day before Christmas Eve.  Liz and I were driving across town.  I asked her, “What do you think Mrs. Claus is doing right now?”

She said, “I think she’s making dinner for Santa.  And all the elfs.  And maybe she has to go to the store, too, so she could get reindeer biscuits for the reindeers.  They’re like dog biscuits, only shaped like reindeers, and they taste like grass.”

“Of course.  Everyone needs food.  What do you think Mrs. Claus will do tomorrow, when Santa’s off delivering presents?” I asked.

“Well, maybe she will make herself some coffee or some hot chocolate.  And then she’ll sit back and relax, and…she could play video games!  I think she’ll play video games until the night, and then she’ll go to bed.”

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She has also decided that Santa goes on vacation after Christmas, “…and so do the elfs, but they go on a different vacation.  And Mrs. Claus goes on a big vacation, too.  The reindeers just stay at the North Pole and eat grass and relax, because reindeers don’t go on vacations.”

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Liz’s exceptional vocabulary

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Liz has an amazing vocabulary:

“Your hat is too understated.  My hat is elaborate, which means it’s more fabulous.”

“That’s unusual.  Normally Patrick is asleep at night, but now he’s listening to loud music and playing with his toy.”

“Mom, that’s a commercial for Volunteers of America.  They’re people who volunteer, which means they go help their community!”

“You should put a guy meditating on Twin Bro’s place card, since he likes peace and balancing.”

“This food is delicious!  And it’s also scrumptious and delectable.”

More jobs for Liz

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“Mom!  I want cheerleader to be my job!  I could use pom poms and do dances and do cheerleader things at football games!”

“Maybe I could work at Target.  Then I could get lots of things.  And I could wear red.  I could talk to all the people, that would be fun…and I would be really good at putting the flowers in the buckets since I love flowers.”

“HEY!!  I could be a gardener!  I could wear gloves and long sleeves and long pants so the bees don’t get me.  I would need one of those hats with the stuff on it to keep the bees out, though.  I don’t want to get stinged.”

“Did you know that black is allowed in ballet?  But I’d need a pink tutu.  That way, I could look pretty when I go to ballet school and when I do ballet shows when I’m a grown-up woman.”

Definitions

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Peace:  Peace is when everyone is all love.

Gemini:  Gemini means twins, because there are two of them!  (in reference to the Gemini roller coaster)

Computer:  A computer makes all the things easier.  You can type in a website and it will do whatever you want, or you can push on the buttons at the top and then it does things too.

Appetite:  When you have a appetite, that means you’re really crazy for something.  Like a food.

Taylor Swift:  That’s a girl who wants to be a princess.  She looks almost like a princess, but she doesn’t have a tiara, so she needs to get one.  But she’s pretty.  And she could sing.  So maybe she will be a princess!

Appreciate:  Appreciate is love and thank you.  (very accurate! –Mom)

Soccer:  Soccer is where you can’t use your hands except if you’re the goalie.  And if you’re a dog, you can’t use your mouth.

Ask Miss Elizabeth

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Last Christmas, Twin Bro and I got our aunt a subscription to Real Simple magazine, because that’s what she asked for.  But we couldn’t just give her a card saying “Now you get this magazine,” that would be boring.  So we made a parody issue for her.

Liz wrote the advice column.  *snicker*

Over the course of a few weeks, I asked Liz some questions and wrote down her answers.  I put them all together into a column.  Here it is, in its entirety:

 

Ask Miss Elizabeth

Advice and Life Lessons from a Three-Year-Old

Dear Miss Elizabeth,

I recently attended a party where another guest was wearing the exact same dress as I was!  What is the best way to handle situations like this?

–Faux Pas

Dear Faux Pas,

You should be happy, because now you are best friends.

–Miss Elizabeth

Dear Miss Elizabeth,

         A coworker of mine was very rude to me on the phone.  When I thanked her for holding and apologized for making her wait, she laughed at me and called me a dork!  Then, instead of telling me what she needed, she continued to make fun of me, even though I was busy enough to be putting phone lines on hold.  I took the matter up with her supervisor, but how should I interact with her in the future?

–Dork

Dear Dork,

You shouldn’t be nice to her, because you don’t want mean friends.

–Miss Elizabeth

 

Dear Miss Elizabeth,

         I would love to take a beach vacation.  How can I make that happen?

–Landlocked

 Dear Landlocked,

Well, you’d have to get some tickets.  And you’d need swimsuits if you want to go in the water.  So you go to the airport, and give your tickets to the pilot, and then you FLY!  But the plane doesn’t land at the beach and it does land at the airport, so maybe you should drive to the beach.

–Miss Elizabeth

Dear Miss Elizabeth,

         Oftentimes I find myself in a situation where I am expecting a phone call, but need to shower.  Is there any polite way to avoid a game of phone tag?

–Of Course It Always Rings When I’m Covered In Soap

 Dear Covered,

Maybe you should take a bath so you could talk on the phone while you’re in the bath.  Or you could text while you’re in the shower.

–Miss Elizabeth

Dear Miss Elizabeth,

         My boss is going through a hard time, and it is making him very grumpy.  How can I deal with him?

–You Know What Rolls Downhill

Dear You Know What,

I think hugging would make him feel better.  Maybe you could give him a hug.

–Miss Elizabeth

When Liz was little…

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…she was STILL funny.  Here are some quotes and exchanges from when she was about 1 1/2-2 years old, before she’d really gotten the hang of talking.

We were over at T’s.  I had mentioned that I was tired, and I let out a big yawn.  Liz grabbed my hand and dragged me in to the kitchen, right over to the coffee maker.  She said “coffee. coffee. mom coffee.”  LOL!!  So I checked out the coffee maker, looked around in the cabinets, and couldn’t find any coffee.  I told Liz that I was mad because there was no coffee, and she said, “tantrum?”  I told her no, I’d just sit and rest so I wasn’t quite as tired.

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Liz totally cracked me up last night.

First, she saw my hair in pigtails. She said, “mom two ponytails!” Then she grabbed two ponytail holders, tried to stick them on her head, and said, “liz two ponytails!” She got pigtails.

Then, in the bath, I asked her what she’d like to do tomorrow. She said, “counting.” Okay…I guess we’ll be counting today.

I figured out that the best way to rinse her hair is to distract her by singing songs. I sang the Bob the Builder theme song (because I’d had it going through my head all day). Then she pipes up, “bob…baawwwb…winny, scoop…bob builder…YEAH!” She was trying to sing! It was so cute!

She read to her baby doll…but instead of reading a board book, she was reading the REI catalog. She pointed out all the happy people, all the tents, the colors of the shirts…it was hilarious.

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We were watching America’s Funniest Home Videos, and they showed a couple of mad kid videos (baby scared of shadow, etc.).  Every time a kid would cry, Liz would say, “paci? more milk? hug? sorry?”
Someone woke somebody else up by banging on pots and pans, and I told her that seeing stuff like that makes me mad because it’s not nice.  She came up to me and started petting my arm, “nice…nice…”

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When Liz was about a year old, this was the usual after-work altercation…
Liz: Bike! Bike! Bike! Bike! Bike! Bike!
Mom: Dude, I’ve already ridden six miles today, I’m tired–
Liz: Bike! Bike! Bike! Bike! Bike! Bike! Bike!
Mom: ..hey, we don’t have our helmets, we can’t go for a ride…
Liz: Bike! Bike! Bike! Bike! Bike! Bike! Bike! Bike!
Mom: How would you like to go up and down the basement stairs?
Liz: Stairs!