Category Archives: Logic

Questions and answers

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Liz asks me questions all the time, because she’s four.   I ask her questions, too, under the pretense of stimulating her mind and increasing her vocabulary.  Really, I’m just mining for funny stuff.  So here are some questions and answers.

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Liz:  What do pigs eat when they’re not at a farm or at someone’s home?

Me: [consults the googles]  Dude!  They’re walking garbage disposals!  Feral hogs, pigs that don’t live on farms or in homes, eat EVERYTHING.  They eat plants, bugs, dead animals, lizards, amphibians, birds, and small mammals.

Liz:  That’s not good.  They should only eat healthy foods.

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Me:  Liz, which of Santa’s reindeer are girls?

Liz:  Maybe if we’re really strong, we could flip the reindeer over and see which ones have girl parts and which ones have boy parts.

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Me:  I’m sick.  I have strep.

Liz:  Awww, poor fing!  Are you really sick?  If you get two streps, will you DIE?!

Me:  …………………………!

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Me:  Why do all Taylor Swift songs sound the same?

Liz:  Because maybe she likes songs that all sounds the same.  Or maybe she doesn’t know how to make other songs.

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Liz:  Who made Target?

Me:  Builders.

Liz:  Oh.  What are their names?

Me: ………………………!  I don’t know.

Liz:  Well, who made all the streets and the parking lots?  And who makes the houses?  Hey, WHO MADE COLORADO?!

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Liz:  Sometimes robots make cars.  I saw it on How It’s Made.  And sometimes robots make buses, too.  Do the robots that make cars talk to the robots that make buses?

Me:  I’m sure they could share information if they had to…

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Liz:  What is your car saying?

Me:  What.

Liz:  What is she finking in her brain?

Me:  Cars don’t have brains.

Liz:  Well if she had a brain and a mouf, she could talk.  So what is your car saying?

Me:  Ok…she’s saying, “It’s such a wonderful day for a drive across town!”

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Liz’s latest good idea

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“Hey Mom, I just got a great idea!  What if buildings had rectangles in them that were on the ground?  That way, kids could watch all the bugs!  Grownups could watch them too.  And the rectangles would be clear like windows, so we could see through them and see what the bugs are doing.

We should tell the builders that!  You should find the people who build all the stores and daycares and houses, and tell them to put windows that look at the dirt so that everyone could learn something.”

A Bunch of One Liners

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Mom, making a mess is okay.  Especially when it’s your kid, and she’s making a very big mess that she loves.

Kiwi birds got their names because their butts look like kiwi fruits.

I don’t HAVE a mute button!  You know why?  Because I don’t.

It’s okay, Mom.  I know it hurts, but you can get me some milk and a snack.

Boys always forget to wear stripes.  They should ask their girlfriends what to wear.

Sorry, but my mom buyed that dog so you can’t have her.  But it’s okay, because you can pet her sometimes.

I have a great idea!  You should put really spicy stuff on your tomatoes, so then you can like them!

Here’s your shopping list, Mom:  A cake, some toys, and a hoodie for you that doesn’t say [company name] on it.

Hey Mom, I think we should turn our house into an animal shelter.  We could get a lot of animals, and then people could come in and look at them!

It’s too long until I get to be twelve!  Hmph!

Mom, when I’m done with swimming lessons, I should go to the play area while you relax in the hot tub.  It will make you all warm and mellow and happy.  But you have to wear a swimsuit with a bikini top, because that’s what big grown-up moms wear to the pool.

I will think the Easter Bunny hided the eggs, but really you did hide them, and we pretend that it’s the Easter Bunny.

Sometimes the Steelers win, and sometimes the Packers win.  To win you have to catch the ball and do a touchdown, but the ball isn’t a circle, it’s a oval.  I wish one of the teams was wearing blue.

Penguins are dangerous and they bite.  You have to stay out of the penguin patch.  A penguin patch is a group of penguins.

Liz’s reasoning skills are hilarious

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Liz’s new thing is this: “Mom, [something messy or obnoxious], but it’s okay.” Just today, that blank got filled in with…
…I’m spraying water on the counter
…I just said a swear word
…I spilled mouthwash on my shirt
…I’m not done with my video game and I’ll be done in 20 hours

She usually follows this up with a reason…
…but it’s okay because it’ll make the counter clean
…but it’s okay because nobody was listening
…but it’s okay because you can just do laundry again
…but it’s okay because now you can relax for “manys of hours” until I’m done

Screw being a lawyer, she’ll be selling sand in the desert when she grows up.