Monthly Archives: December 2011

Winter and Christmas

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This week was Christmas.  It was also a huge winter storm, which led to a few gems.

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I decided to keep Liz home from daycare on Thursday, since there’s no way my little front wheel drive Kia Rio was going anywhere.  That plan worked well…until about noon, when I realized that I had no coffee and my brain was trying to pound its way out of my head and go to Starbucks.  I turned on the news to check road conditions, decided to try to dig out and acquire coffee, and got us dressed.

It took nearly an hour of digging to get the car out of the on-street parking space.  I was  NOT happy.  I hate snow.  I hate cold.  Liz had a blast, though.  She was throwing armloads of snow, making snow angels, wiping my car with the snowbrush, and telling me to be happy because the snow is so pretty.

Finally, after three attempts and all that digging, we got out!  We were so happy!  Liz was so proud of our good teamwork!  But what really got me was her in-depth understanding of TV news.  After we’d gotten done congratulating ourselves, Liz asked, “How do we call the news and make a news report that we had trouble getting our car out?  I bet they need to put that on TV.”

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We went to my aunt’s house to put up her Christmas decorations.  Aunt doesn’t decorate, since she has arthritis…but she loves having a decorated house, so we help her out.

Liz loves decorating.  She actually volunteered to skip dessert so she could continue decorating Aunt’s house (an idea which Aunt vetoed, because she had run out of decorations).  Aunt then told her that some people decorate for a living.  Once I told her that the best and most famous decorators end up on TV, she was sold.  “MOM!  I could decorate my room!  And then I could decorate the downstairs at the townhouse, and decorate the back yard so it’s a garden, and I could even decorate the bafroom!”

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It was the day before Christmas Eve.  Liz and I were driving across town.  I asked her, “What do you think Mrs. Claus is doing right now?”

She said, “I think she’s making dinner for Santa.  And all the elfs.  And maybe she has to go to the store, too, so she could get reindeer biscuits for the reindeers.  They’re like dog biscuits, only shaped like reindeers, and they taste like grass.”

“Of course.  Everyone needs food.  What do you think Mrs. Claus will do tomorrow, when Santa’s off delivering presents?” I asked.

“Well, maybe she will make herself some coffee or some hot chocolate.  And then she’ll sit back and relax, and…she could play video games!  I think she’ll play video games until the night, and then she’ll go to bed.”

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She has also decided that Santa goes on vacation after Christmas, “…and so do the elfs, but they go on a different vacation.  And Mrs. Claus goes on a big vacation, too.  The reindeers just stay at the North Pole and eat grass and relax, because reindeers don’t go on vacations.”

Liz’s exceptional vocabulary

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Liz has an amazing vocabulary:

“Your hat is too understated.  My hat is elaborate, which means it’s more fabulous.”

“That’s unusual.  Normally Patrick is asleep at night, but now he’s listening to loud music and playing with his toy.”

“Mom, that’s a commercial for Volunteers of America.  They’re people who volunteer, which means they go help their community!”

“You should put a guy meditating on Twin Bro’s place card, since he likes peace and balancing.”

“This food is delicious!  And it’s also scrumptious and delectable.”

Questions and answers

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Liz asks me questions all the time, because she’s four.   I ask her questions, too, under the pretense of stimulating her mind and increasing her vocabulary.  Really, I’m just mining for funny stuff.  So here are some questions and answers.

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Liz:  What do pigs eat when they’re not at a farm or at someone’s home?

Me: [consults the googles]  Dude!  They’re walking garbage disposals!  Feral hogs, pigs that don’t live on farms or in homes, eat EVERYTHING.  They eat plants, bugs, dead animals, lizards, amphibians, birds, and small mammals.

Liz:  That’s not good.  They should only eat healthy foods.

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Me:  Liz, which of Santa’s reindeer are girls?

Liz:  Maybe if we’re really strong, we could flip the reindeer over and see which ones have girl parts and which ones have boy parts.

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Me:  I’m sick.  I have strep.

Liz:  Awww, poor fing!  Are you really sick?  If you get two streps, will you DIE?!

Me:  …………………………!

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Me:  Why do all Taylor Swift songs sound the same?

Liz:  Because maybe she likes songs that all sounds the same.  Or maybe she doesn’t know how to make other songs.

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Liz:  Who made Target?

Me:  Builders.

Liz:  Oh.  What are their names?

Me: ………………………!  I don’t know.

Liz:  Well, who made all the streets and the parking lots?  And who makes the houses?  Hey, WHO MADE COLORADO?!

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Liz:  Sometimes robots make cars.  I saw it on How It’s Made.  And sometimes robots make buses, too.  Do the robots that make cars talk to the robots that make buses?

Me:  I’m sure they could share information if they had to…

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Liz:  What is your car saying?

Me:  What.

Liz:  What is she finking in her brain?

Me:  Cars don’t have brains.

Liz:  Well if she had a brain and a mouf, she could talk.  So what is your car saying?

Me:  Ok…she’s saying, “It’s such a wonderful day for a drive across town!”

A funny story from Twin Bro

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Twin Bro just emailed me this awesomeness:

Liz was all tired and grumpy this morning because (as she whined to Dad) “my room is cold, and my blankets are warm!” We finally got ready and I was loading up my backpack. Peach walked out of my room, then I walked out with my backpack open, and of course this was the obvious conclusion:
Liz: :laughing hysterically:  DID YOU TRY TO PUT PEACH IN YOUR BACKPACK?! :more laughing:
me: Um… no. :halfheartedly chased Peach around with my backpack, for the lulz:
Liz: :has kittens:
Liz, after calming down: Maybe if you had a fatter backpack.
me: Huh?
Liz: Well, if you had a more fatter backpack, you could put Bakemono in it!
me: …sure. :LOL!:

A pep talk from my backseat driver

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When Liz was about two years old, we went to a Christmas party.  This party was at a house way up in the mountains, on a dirt road that had been covered in snow for weeks.  I had a car with 4WD, so the drive up there was no problem…but then it was time to go home.

As soon as I nosed the car on to the road, I slid.  I slammed on the brakes.  The anti-lock did what it was supposed to do, but the ice was solid, so the brakes were making a razz noise at me while  I was cussing up a pollution.  We hit a patch of snow.  I was able to sink my tires in and get enough traction to push us forward as opposed to sideways, but that was about all.  I started sliding again.  I slammed on the brakes again, got razzed again, and tested the limits of my colorful vocabulary again.

I was able to pull out of the second slide and realign my car with the road.  By then, I was dropping F-bombs left and right.

From the back seat, two year old Liz piped up, “Don’t say fuck, Mom!  Be brave!  Be HAPPY!”

Girl animals and boy animals

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Liz spends part of her time at my house and part of her time at Dad’s house.  There are pets at each house.   All are fixed and all are rescues.

 

My pets:

Missy – female terrier mutt of some sort

Nushi – female cat

Billie – female cat

 

Dad’s pets:

Bakemono – male cat

Senor Peaches – male cat, obvs

Whispurr – female cat

 

Bakemono and Peach do not like each other.  To communicate their dislike for each other and attempt to occupy each other’s territory, they spray.  Liz says, “Whispurr doesn’t pee on the floor or the walls, because she’s a girl, and she thinks that’s disgusting.  And whispurr is a smart kitty but Bakemono sometimes thinks derp, and Peacho always thinks derp derp derp!”

The other day, Twin Bro came over for coffee.  He stayed for about an hour, Liz watched Sesame Street, we talked about “boring grownup things,” Twin Bro mentioned something stupid that Bakemono and Peach had done, and we had a nice and mellow time.    Then he left.  Liz said, “Oh, good.  Now we’re all girls, so everything can be quiet and peace.”

(I really wonder what version of reality she’s seeing…the terrierist destroys things on a regular basis, every creature in the house raises her voice at least once a day,  there’s plenty of running and horseplay…our home is more mosh pit than tea party most of the time)